UPDATE: In case it isn’t obvious; this was an April Fools’.
After many long years, it looks as though the Uncharted movie is finally getting somewhere. You will remember that the release date was announced late last year, with the intention of shooting it in the now not-so-new year. A Sony Pictures press release reveals that the next big milestone has been passed. Yes; we finally know who is going to be our live action Nathan Drake: Brad Pitt. It looks as though Sony are really trying to make this a big hit with a big name star. Pitt’s career has been long and largely without fault, so on the one hand we are glad that at least it isn’t someone rubbish, but we do wonder whether he is quite right for the role. After all, he is no Nolan North. Ultimately though, after all we’ve been through, no one is going to please everyone.
Other information from the press release includes plot details; Drake and chums will unsurprisingly be searching for the lost city of Atlantis, while trying to maintain that home life he has established since settling down with Elena. It is interesting that the setting is post-Uncharted 3; up until now, most people have assumed that the movie would be at least loosely based on Drake’s Fortune, although I suspect that that is because we first heard about the movie way back when Uncharted; Drake’s Fortune was the only Nathan Drake story we had. Anyway, Nathan and Elena have settled down (maybe they have kids?) and it all sounds lovely for them.
“We can’t have our leading man in a closed happy relationship; that just doesn’t work for Hollywood. What we will see is the rogue-like Drake stretching his wife’s patience by gallivanting off after another lost city with another woman who is well known for raiding tombs and having big breasts. Setting this in a location with lots of water allows us to have lots of wet tshirt scenes which we know movie buffs enjoy. ”
Wow. So unless I am reading far too much into that; Nathan Drake will be teaming up with Lara Croft (and having it off with her) while Elena sits at home. That’s bold. The press release goes on to hint that someone close to Pitt in real life might be “reprising a role she has previously played in other movies.” I can’t tell whether this is a better or worse vision for Uncharted than David O Russell’s antiquities crime fighting family.
“In a bid to rescue her career; Miley Cyrus will be playing the role of the wife at home. We feel that Cyrus will bring a level of sass to the part of Elena Fisher that has been woefully lacking in the original stories. Cyrus has proved that she can pull in crowds, and act at the same time. We are glad to have her on board.”
Visiting Atlantis sounds like a difficult film to make, doesn’t it? Fear not, because the whole film will be shot in front of a green screen in Los Angeles, in a bid to reduce the carbon footprint by eliminating lengthy flights to and from various locations.
“Sony Pictures is committed to environmental issues, and we want to reflect that in the films we make.”
How this gels with the inevitable destruction of Atlantis we just don’t know.